When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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