then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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