i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
