His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
