So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
