so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
