I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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