Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
