Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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