At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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