im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
never play flip cup with pint glasses
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
