When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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