do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
