Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
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