Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
