And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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