I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
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Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
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There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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