if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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