It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
