I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Randomize
