dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
