Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
