I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
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she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
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I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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