Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Randomize
