I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
