I want to make a zoo with you.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
