No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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