I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
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Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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