I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
