Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize