Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
