I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
