I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
