Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
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