I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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