tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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