just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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