Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Randomize
