You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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