You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I can't turn off my feet"
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Randomize
