Where did you get a picture of my penis
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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