Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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