dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
