Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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