not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
