she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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