just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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