good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
