So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Too much gin, very little bucket
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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