That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
