then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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