life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
