we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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