I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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